Unsettled

I happened on something I wrote sometime ago and it seems to fit my life again today. See, when life happens to writers, we think and re-think and balance and gauge and feel and consider. We only seem to be impulsive. But nothing is done without consideration.

And so, I share with you a struggle of change through a writer's eyes.

Here and there
March 18, 2008

The bridge downtown that connects a piece of victory and defeat for me has written on a cross bar, “where you always wanted to be.” I have a picture of that at my desk at work.

It’s true.

This is where I always wanted to be. I’ve always wanted to be a student and I love it. I’ve always wanted to be comfortably independent. And I love it. I’ve always wanted a little more freedom, a little more space, a little more urban, a little less race.

And I love it.

But there’s something still not settled about me.

We’ve come a long way this year.

From the woman who was terrified to be driving alone at night, to the traveler who decides when it’s time to leave. From the woman whose life was dictated by someone else’s whims or ideas or notions to someone who makes her own choices and knows her boundaries. From someone who checked her thoughts at the door of her mouth holding them against reproof to someone whose words are received as if wise.

But there’s something still not settled about me.

I like my job, mostly. It’s mentally challenging and draws my creativity, my energy. There’s not much personal reward. It’s not factory work, but sometimes it feels like it. One case looks like the next at my level of involvement. One mistake is just as big as the one before it and the one that is still to come. I push myself to know more, be more efficient, be wiser.

But push comes to shove and then the bucks stop. I worry about when that day will come and what will I do?

It’s different when you’re the bill paying, card carrying, identified head of household. Even if you’re the only one in the household even you have to eat sometimes. Having cash in the bank is an important element.

But I have never been about how much money I make. That’s what I am unsettled about.

I have to make money. I have to live. No one is taking care of me. The things I invested in were people and the people have returned a great deal to me, but I still have to have electricity.

I want to impact the world. I want to be an agent of change. I want to do something good and positive with the pieces of my history. I want to make a difference.

But I have to make the car payment.

I am not extravagant, but starting over comes with a price. And so I’m paying it.
For how long? And when will I feel strong and independent enough to walk on water a little farther out? I got here on personal strength and determination – and the hand of God. Say what you want, but He was clearly a part of the transformation that has made me newer. And I trust that He is orchestrating and designing the future. In fact, I am sure He is the unsettler. Not willing to allow me to fade into mediocrity, He pushes me on.

It’s not about the amount of work or the cash at the end of the day. It’s about feeling like I matter. Like my history has a purpose to help someone.

I’m good with being unsettled as long as I know it’s pushing me on and not pushing me down.